An excellent example of an EPC (Energy Performance Certificate) for this house is available to download here.

At least the address is correct

Moving to the next item of information, the floor area is not 193 m². The heated envelope (albeit measured externally) is in excess of 500 m² or around 5438 ft². I have some sympathy with this first calculation, since it probably needed an O-Level in maths. On complaining about the whole report, I was told that internal walls accounted for over 300 m²! Given that most of the internal walls are about 18 cm thick, we can work out the length of the walls this clever company thinks there must be. Wait for it! They consequently claim there are nearly 1.7 km of wall in the house. Over a mile of internal walls. Even if you work in rods, poles and perches, it still comes to 331 rods.

Counting low energy lightbulbs is to my mind of dubious utility, but nonetheless they couldn’t even get that figure roughly right. The figure is not 25%, it is around 95%. Let’s be generous, perhaps it’s a software glitch.

The figure of £4698 per year for heating is not altogether their fault, since an assumption is made that wood has to be paid for. In reality the timber is felled from the sustainably managed woods surrounding the house and therefore costs only a very small amount of fuel to fell it. It is then air dried, involving no energy input. Essentially the timber used for heating is free. I agree that a human pushing a barrow of wood uphill emits more CO₂ than they would at rest, but I will design a solar powered chainsaw to compensate….

The rest of the report is largely an inspired work of fiction and I am happy to offer it for your reading pleasure.

Read the Energy Performance Certificate here.